Cecil County Public Schools UCSCA UCSCA
UCSCA UCSCA Lit of the Nation
UCSCA Lit of the Nation
My Evolution
Rebecca Shepherd

A child's face stared out at me from the crowd. It captured me in a way I had forgotten. She was held in her father's arms as she looked at me. I felt ashamed, as if this child could know what I had done. The way she looked at me, I felt as though she were staring into my soul. It was then that I knew I wanted to have a child, a child like that one. One with unruly blonde hair, ivory skin, and deep, knowing green eyes. A daughter with chubby cheeks and tiny fingers. It didn't happen overnight, but I found myself attracted to the idea of stinky diapers, settling down for marriage, and spending my life on children instead of myself. I suppose you could say that was the day I really started to become a woman, although by law I had been an adult for three years already.

I was the irresponsible youth I had always been. I still had my hair short and spiky, I still went shopping in the Juniors' section for clothes, and I still felt that I had enough time ahead of me for learning. Although I can see now how foolish that was, after all I only had one year of college ahead of me. I still had not chosen a major, although I pretended to. I was officially majoring in Advertising (only because my best friend talked me into it) but I was taking as many classes as possible in as wide a range as possible. The only problem in my change was that I wasn't interested in any of the guys that I knew. I had always gone for intellectuals and nerds. Muscles, tans, and any sign of excess monetary wealth turned me off. Yet those were the guys I hung out with, mainly because they were the sort of people I grew up around. My family was well off; actually I think the proper term is rich. I was raised in a wealthy neighborhood of large 19th century homes where everyone's annual income was more than most people dreamed of. Maybe that's why those men turned me off once I began to think about marriage. I knew what they were like as husbands as fathers, especially as fathers, and it wasn't the dream that most women have. Sure, you get lots of presents and shopping money and you don't need to work at all, but the man is never home. I remember all the children in the neighborhood were so excited when their fathers were home because we never saw them. Even our mothers, until we were old enough to accompany them, were always out shopping or socializing or looking for some other relief from the loneliness. So we were left to our own devices, which was often just goofing off. Maids and butlers cleaned up after us, and there was rarely anyone at home to scold us when we were wrong. There was no one to help us on our homework, no one to chaperone us, no one to warn us, no one to teach us. I remember the tightly knit community that circumstance created as we grew. We always stuck together, imitated our mothers and fathers, and acted like children. No one in school bothered approaching our group, they all assumed we were pretentious 'daddy's girls' and not-on-your-level guys.

I didn't want my children to grow up that way. I wanted my husband to have a normal job, I wanted to work at home and look after the kids and house, and most of all I wanted a dog. I never had one, and I wanted my children to have one. I knew I would have to change myself, but I couldn't bring myself to simply dump my friends. I knew they wouldn't understand. Yet I desperately wanted to change.

My indecision haunted me all summer and I for months I found no suitable alternative. And then finally I decided on something; I would transfer. Going to a completely different school would solve my problems. No one would know me; I could reinvent myself. After that it was only a matter of getting into a college where I knew I would find good guys. My grades weren't horrible, but they weren't exceptional either. I had always put in just enough effort to get a B or C, which usually wasn't much. My latest technique had been to do well on most of the big projects and class work, but never do homework. I had a sudden fuel driving me to achieve something more, though. I wanted to impress people, not just leave an impression but impress them. I didn't know where I was going, just that I was going. I applied to all the 'smart' colleges I knew of, and then ones that I heard others talking about.